My friend caught his kid with pot…

[Pep]

So my friend caught his kid with pot for the second time…

First time he was caught in school and got suspend and sent to a reform school.

He was left back in to the regular school after promising that he was “reformed†in a sort of probation state.

Now the kid was caught by his dad (my buddy) and im looking for advice to pass on.

So far I can only tell him what my parents tried that did not work on me…

I wasn’t a easy kid to manage in my teen years but I like to think I grew up ok and kept the majority of lessons learned from my parents.

First thing I remember is that I don’t recall any conversation that I had with my parents after a major screw-up where I went “Oh that makes sense! I’ll never do that againâ€

I think Most teen agers are in essence dumb (myself included) and kind of grow up out of it.

And we know pot wont screw the kid’s mind up or hurt him in any physical form, but in the society we live in

I is still legal and if he does get caught again he will most likely get kicked out of school and end up end up smoking pot and flipping burgers for instead of finishing school and starting a career of even college.

I have no kids of my own so I cant really give my friend any Parenting advice, the only thing I could tell him is what worked and what dint work on me, frankly I don’t think anything did work on me; I just grew up.

Any help is appreciated.

PS If there are wholes to be filled I’ll ask my friend as the story develops.

[Bigasshammm]

Eh a sticky situation to be sure. Sounds like the kid is maybe running around with the wrong crowd? Hard to really change that without a drastic change like moving to a new location or school or whatnot. Which is almost impossible on the family because you're not really going to just up and move. I've found that teenagers are the hardest breed of human to deal with. (yes breed because in the teenage years Idk what else to call them) We were all there once and we all thought we were invincible as well and made choices most of which turned out to be wrong. This is all part of the growing up cycle and is actually important to proper upbringing. The best thing I think as parents we can do is to gently try to nudge the child in the right direction to limit the damage.

I don't condone pot and have never smoked it once in my life but I do know several people who have and do and they turn out to be fine adults. The most important thing is to teach and make sure that he's not dealing. The more he gets in trouble eventually you hope it will sink in and he'll "get it". Otherwise just have to try a guiding hand. Too strong and it pushes the kid away and leads them to act out in worse ways.

With a good family structure and home life the kids usually end up alright in the end.

[Hawkeye's Hobbies]

Though I never had to deal with these issues with my kids, my sister in law has and it has cost them a great deal. Court costs, counseling (mandated by the courts), fines and lost time at work because the parent has to take the lil'bass turd everywhere to attend mandated appointments.

If the behavior isn't nipped immediately it will continue to escalate, they have learned that first hand and again it comes at a high price. Not just financially but emotionally as well. As much as you try, sometimes you just got to let go and let them sink or swim on their own. Its heartbreaking but if you continue to hold on too long while they try to pull away you only find yourself drowning with them. Drugs affect everyone around them, not just the user.

If the person is beyond the experimental stage then they are addicted which is according to those who deal with these kids tell us...its a tool to escape from other issues in their lives. Typically they can't deal with challenges of any scale in their lives so they turn elsewhere and act out.

[HOLMES]

Pep.

Cannabis can screw a kids mind or anyone that takes it...Just have a look at the link and click on any subject to find out more.

The link may help your friend.

http://www.nida.nih.gov/Marijbroch/Marijteenstxt.html#affect

I hope the teen gets off it but if he is already going back for more then he is on his way to being addicted.

Sad when kids ruin their lives thus.

[TaiidanTomcat]

Though I never had to deal with these issues with my kids, my sister in law has and it has cost them a great deal. Court costs, counseling (mandated by the courts), fines and lost time at work because the parent has to take the lil'bass turd everywhere to attend mandated appointments.

If the behavior isn't nipped immediately it will continue to escalate, they have learned that first hand and again it comes at a high price. Not just financially but emotionally as well. As much as you try, sometimes you just got to let go and let them sink or swim on their own. Its heartbreaking but if you continue to hold on too long while they try to pull away you only find yourself drowning with them. Drugs affect everyone around them, not just the user.

Seriously the pot heads down the street in my neighborhood burned down their house, when one of them fell asleep. every kid in the family was a loser, and it cost em.

My advice would be to first Love him.

second stay patient-- realize there are going to be further episodes, like you said pep there won't be a "hey your right all along parents!" moment anytime soon.

and third RIDE HIM keep tabs on him at all times, set strict curfews and enforce them, if he says he is going somewhere don't call to check on him, physically go there and see if he is there. if he isn't find him.

fourth ask specific questions, Is this new behavior? if yes a question would be "we have never had problems like this, you always cooperated in school and got good grades, now you are getting busted with drugs, what happened?" Incorporate the stuff you have noticed in the past good and bad and use it in the questions. be specific at first in order to avoid about 1,000 "I don't know"/"Whatever" answers, and get more general as time goes on a simple "why?" or "why not"

fifth. and this one is important-- No matter how nasty it gets, you don't give up. you have to fight these fights you don't always "win" but you fight them no matter what, teenagers rebel its what they do --you have establish boundaries its like yin and yang. Its normal for them to resist, and its important to keep pushing. There is balance that way.

I don't have kids myself but my parents decided to throw money at all of my little sisters problems when she was a teenager. she was never punished, my mom always wanted to be her "friend" instead of her mom and punishing kids isn't "cool" if you are trying to fit in with a 14 year old. My sister did a lot of drugs in her teen years, was involved in car theft, and dozens of other incidents. So my sister is a very amoral/entitled and selfish person, she is also very stupid in the reality of the world. I wouldn't claim i was raised perfect myself, but my parents raised me and my brothers very differently than her. We are self reliant, while she doesn't pay her own rent, buy her own groceries, or work. so even though she is no longer under their roof she is still very sheltered. I have seen first hand what happens when parents don't set any boundaries or apply "soft bigotry" and give lowered standards for different kids. It has also divided the family and caused serious resentment and hatred.

[Phantom ordie]

As a father and grandfather having raised two boys and three girls who are now all grown and doing well it starts in thier early lives and is a matter of loving dicipline. If they are out of control early in thier lives,to try and gain control of a teenager is most times a losing battle. I wish the US had mandatory military service for all young people.

[HOLMES]

As a father and grandfather having raised two boys and three girls who are now all grown and doing well it starts in thier early lives and is a matter of loving dicipline. If they are out of control early in thier lives,to try and gain control of a teenager is most times a losing battle. I wish the US had mandatory military service for all young people.

HEAR !!! HEAR !!!!And I wish they had here is UK too !

They still have that in Germany don't they..where the young men and women still have to serve in the Army etc for 2 years; and if you cannot because you are in the mddle of Education then you have to do it after wards...I only know that as I usedd to have a German pen pal[ he told ME } who was studying medicine and had to do it aftr he finished the University course...Is that still happen...?

[Litvyak]

Well. Neither my sister nor I ever got into the "teen drinking thing", she never did any drugs, and I only dabbled a little in it experimentally.

I'm fairly sure that my dad's approach to alcohol is what resulted in neither of us ever going out and getting plastered: from the time we were 6, my dad made us have a little bit of wine with dinner. Mandatory, we couldn't leave the table unless we'd eaten everything and finished that little bit of wine. My sister hates wine to this day. Me, I've developed a taste for it, always have a glass with dinner, but never get plastered.

When I was 14 (and same with my sister), my dad said to me, "if you want to get plastered, tell me, and we can get plastered together. I've got a full cabinet (he drinks very little, though!) so you won't have to spend money on it, either."

I think this rather took away the mystique of alcohol as some mysterious, forbidden thing, and so made it less appealing/interesting.

When I was 19, my dad found my little stash of LSD (two little hits). He recognised what it was, looked at me, said "you're an idiot" and tossed it on my bed, and left. When I took those, were the last time I've done drugs, apart from a few tokes of pot when I scalded my leg and couldn't get to sleep from the pain of the serious burns. (I always hated pot from the first time I tried it, because it makes my brain feel like it's locked in a box, and makes me feel /stupid/. I can do without that, thank you. However, as a doctor-prescribed medicine, I'm all in favour of it, especially for chemotherapy patients).

This is just my experience, for what it's worth. I turned out fine, I think - goen to uni, I work steadily, haven't had to live at home for over 15 years.

I think the key to this approach was to take away the mystique - forbidden things ALWAYS appear more enticing to kids/teens exactly because they're forbidden. Take the mystique away, suddenly it seems less enticing...

[loki]

Pep, is this a case of "my friend"?

Anyway, I think you could get "your friend" to take the lad out and do more outdoor activities with him. Getting bored is often the way into drugs along with peer pressure.

Getting him out and about is removing both.

Get him interested in the world and it's surroundings. Get him to enjoy nature and the whole excitement thing. White water rafting, mountaineering, even geocaching is great fun and an even better distraction.

If kids are getting into drugs, then woe betides the parents. Criminal activity is not far around the next corner. I don't think Cannabis is, in itself, addictive, but it does lead to psychologial problems and other drugs (because of mixing in those circles, harder drugs are easier to find and buy).

Distraction is the key!

[Aaronw]

Obviously Florida is one of those states trying to go hard on pot. In California penalties go up and down, but I can't imagine a kid getting kicked out of school for a first offense, detention or a short suspension would be more likely. I only bring that up due to the added downside of using in a state that will ruin your life for possession.

Other than that I agree with the others, be a parent. Kids are different, some will respond well to the hard nosed approach, some will just rebel further. Some will respond to the soft touchy feely approach, and some will simply see that as weakness and exploit it.

I never really had an interest in drinking/drugs/smoking, it just wasn't my thing. I was around it, had a friend who won an award from one of the Pot lifestyle magazines for the pot he grew, and even had some hippy teachers who were known to smoke pot on the weekends.

My brother on the otherhand went full on trying a little of everything. My mom tried the "tough love" thing, and he just left. He turned up about 2 years later, greatly reduced his use, and even got himself back in school. He had problems related to drugs (alcohol more than anything else) into his 30s but seems to have finally gotten his life together. He has a job with random testing so I assume he has really left that all behind.

Sorry for the rambling, I hope your friend has success getting past this. I have a child and would hate to have this issue come up.

[loki]

As a father and grandfather having raised two boys and three girls who are now all grown and doing well it starts in thier early lives and is a matter of loving dicipline. If they are out of control early in thier lives,to try and gain control of a teenager is most times a losing battle. I wish the US had mandatory military service for all young people.

This +1 as well

[Pep]

thanks for the replies guys lots of good stuff here =)

couple of comments on the lighter side =)

@Phantom ordie: I did the military School thing myself, dint help me one bit! if anything i learned how to hide my actions better =D but that was military academy not military service so that’s a difference I suppose, that and the fact that it was in the Dominican republic =)

@ Loki: in this case yes hehe it is my friend lol I don’t have any kids yet =)

I never had a drug problem myself, i dint touch pot till my mid 20s, alcohol was my thing and lots of it, on the other hand my little brother (industrial designer) and baby sister (Chef) are avid pot heads... go figure =/

[pastafarian]

I never touched any pot because my parents scared the crap out of me about possible added ingredients from the dealers. I don't think they thought it through, but it actually does make sense. If dealer A and B have the same product, there isn't an added advantage. But, if dealer A slips a little opium or something in there he now has some "very good weed." And you smoke enough of his and you'll be an opium addict. --I'm going to use the same logic on my kid.

Depending on how much this kid has smoked, it might work on him Pep. Doubt it, but maybe worth a try. I have heard of some idiots soaking pot in embalming fluid.

Now as an adult, I really don't see the appeal of pot. I can go buy beer with no problems and not worry about getting arrested.

Something that is a little funny, my wife did an internship as a psychologist at a federal prison. During the interview they asked if she had ever smoked pot. She was freaked out about it like me and said "no." The interviewer was actually surprised that she hadn't. They said that just having smoked before wouldn't bar you from the job, but if you bought or sold any pot it would. -I'm guessing their logic was that if you never bought any, you had just tried it once or twice and never really got into it. It sort of hit me as "as long as you just mooched pot you're ok." LOL ---They did follow up interviews with folks that you list to verify that you are being truthful.

John

Edited August 23, 2011 by pastafarian

[The Rat]

How is military service going to combat cannabis use? It's almost as prevalent in the service as it is on civvy street (yes, I have first-hand experience). The only reason I don't want my kids getting involved is because it's still illegal and can get them into big trouble. The 'gateway' theory is mostly a load of crap, it only works, sometimes, because of the people they might be hanging around with, not because cannabis turns on some switch in the brain that sends them to harder drugs.

If anyone truly wants to help out in this ridiculous 'war on drugs' (which has inarguably and undeniably caused more misery, suffering, and death than the drugs themselves ever have or ever will) then support Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, an organization of police and other public servants who are taking the only sensible approach.

Personally I can't use it, I'm one of those rare people who gets violent hangovers from it. Cold sweats, nausea, bazooka barfing, not a pleasant experience at all.

[Jennings]

I wish the US had mandatory military service for all young people.

Hear hear! Not even necessarily the military - just some kind of mandatory public service. Not everyone is cut out for the military, but I firmly believe that at least a year of mandatory national service should be required of all citizens, whether military or something else. Let 'em patch pot holes or build bridges or something. But something that has some expectations of personal responsibility and discipline attached to it.

Edited August 25, 2011 by Jennings

[Pep]

I think the France had a good system, (not sure if they still do it) But you either had 12 months of military service, or you had social service, this meant sometimes going to 3rd world countries to serve as an educator amongst other things. I think these kinds of programs really add to a society and enrich them as a whole.

[Litvyak]

I agree completely with the national service sentiments. (In fact I have an extension to it in my mind - give an "exemption" to university students if they want it: in exchange for this, they get all tuition fees paid for by the state... and then when they're done their degree, as their version of national service, they work at a job assigned to them by the state, ideally within the realm of their specialisation, for twice the time it took to obtain that degree. After that they're free to go where they want. If they don't want to take this approach, they can pay for their own tuition, in addition to doing the standard national service, military or otherwise).

However... I don't see this as having any relation to drugs?

I've seen with my own eyes (though they didn't see me, I'm sure), two on-duty bike cops (not security guards, cops) having a toke... off pot they took off two kids they busted. But anyways.

[ChernayaAkula]

<...> I wish the US had mandatory military service for all young people.

HEAR !!! HEAR !!!!And I wish they had here is UK too !

They still have that in Germany don't they..where the young men and women still have to serve in the Army etc for 2 years; and if you cannot because you are in the mddle of Education then you have to do it after wards...I only know that as I usedd to have a German pen pal[ he told ME } who was studying medicine and had to do it aftr he finished the University course...Is that still happen...?

Not quite. Only men were subject to conscription. It was never two years. It was 18 months in the 1960s, but reduced afterwards, with 12 months (later nine) after the end of the Cold War. You could object to serving in the Bundeswehr for moral reasons, opting for "civilian service" (Zivildienst) instead, which was usually working in hospitals, retirement homes or emergency medical services.

Even then, in recent years, only a very small percentage of an age group actually served in the military. I found figures for those born in 1983, of which only 15% actually served in the military, 24% did civilian service and more than 60% didn't serve at all (incl. those exempted from service).

As of July 2011, conscription is suspended indefinitely. They hope they will get enough volunteers for both Bundeswehr and civilian service, but it doesn't look like it's going to work out the way they have planned it. I'm afraid our politicians will soon find out that doing hard work for peanuts is okay if you're forced to, but won't attract many volunteers for just a couple more peanuts. The situation for the Bundeswehr may not even be as difficult as for the hospitals, old people's homes and so on, where those doing civilian service were a cheap force of labour.

[g4gator]

Ive had this same problem with my oldest teenage son and it revolved entirely around the crowd he hung out with. Theres a lot of latch key kids out there whose parents pay little or no attention to what their kids are doing or who they hang out with, and unfortunately mine wound up hanging out with kids that fit this description. Divorced families seem to deal with it the most, its nearly impossible to be there 24/7 when you see them only every other weekend.

The only saving grace Ive had with mine is that he's greedy. The job market for teens here in Atlanta isnt great, and hes figured out pretty quickly that not being able to pass a drug test can ruin your ability to make bank (as they say).

I take mine camping and hunting as often as I can, all of them. It really does seem to help. If nothing else its 48 hours away from their school and questionable friends.

Edited August 25, 2011 by g4gator

[Phantom ordie]

How is military service going to combat cannabis use? It's almost as prevalent in the service as it is on civvy street (yes, I have first-hand experience). The only reason I don't want my kids getting involved is because it's still illegal and can get them into big trouble. The 'gateway' theory is mostly a load of crap, it only works, sometimes, because of the people they might be hanging around with, not because cannabis turns on some switch in the brain that sends them to harder drugs.

If anyone truly wants to help out in this ridiculous 'war on drugs' (which has inarguably and undeniably caused more misery, suffering, and death than the drugs themselves ever have or ever will) then support Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, an organization of police and other public servants who are taking the only sensible approach.

Personally I can't use it, I'm one of those rare people who gets violent hangovers from it. Cold sweats, nausea, bazooka barfing, not a pleasant experience at all.

Its not that the military would stop cannabis use,it would help a young person learn to self disiplnine thier lives and give them a chance to reflect on thier future.Granted it would not work for every one but I believe alot of undiciplined young people might change direction.

[Raymond]

to quote south park:

"Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but... Well son, pot makes yuu feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything."

:D

Stastically: poor diet, drinking and smoking are far more likely to mess up his life than a bit of pot in his teens.

and speaking of funding terrorism, check out:

:lol:

Edited August 26, 2011 by Raymond

[Pep]

Unfortunately poor diet won't get you kicked out of school...

[Raymond]

Yea it’s a very dumb move: giving kids more free time and less supervision, while making them a social prior amongst their classmates; during a time when teens are influenced by peer perception will probably lead them to a negative behaviour and smoking pot even more :lol:

Ironically this also has a bad effect on his classmates; as during the teenage years we learn much of our social coping skills for later in life. Trying to shelter students from the realities of life, such as drug use only retards them later in life; actually leading to an increased risk they will get into drugs themselves.

High fives to the school....

As for smoking, food, etc I guess my point is additions take many forms; some demonised by society, some not. I know plenty of people who smoke pot and haven’t gone to harder drugs, lost control of their lives or funded terrorism. Most grew up into normal, if not decent human beings.

The difference between that and, say, Amy Winehouse is the psychology behind the activity. Nipping compulsive reliance on external substances in the butt will help immunise teens against a variety of things later in life.

There will be many approaches for your friend to work with his son, but demonising the activity defiantly becomes counterproductive

Edited August 26, 2011 by Raymond

[HOLMES]

Not quite. Only men were subject to conscription. It was never two years. It was 18 months in the 1960s, but reduced afterwards, with 12 months (later nine) after the end of the Cold War. You could object to serving in the Bundeswehr for moral reasons, opting for "civilian service" (Zivildienst) instead, which was usually working in hospitals, retirement homes or emergency medical services.

Even then, in recent years, only a very small percentage of an age group actually served in the military. I found figures for those born in 1983, of which only 15% actually served in the military, 24% did civilian service and more than 60% didn't serve at all (incl. those exempted from service).

As of July 2011, conscription is suspended indefinitely. They hope they will get enough volunteers for both Bundeswehr and civilian service, but it doesn't look like it's going to work out the way they have planned it. I'm afraid our politicians will soon find out that doing hard work for peanuts is okay if you're forced to, but won't attract many volunteers for just a couple more peanuts. The situation for the Bundeswehr may not even be as difficult as for the hospitals, old people's homes and so on, where those doing civilian service were a cheap force of labour.

Ah thanks for that...MY penpal was way older than I was/am.

[Aaronw]

I don't really think the military wants to deal with short term conscripts, but there are plenty of public service jobs that could use young people for a year or two. Go back to the pre-WW2 CCC days providing 16-20 year olds job skills and experience.