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Qantas mechanic funnies


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This might have been posted before?  Anyhow.....

 

Qantas are in a world of hurt atm due to Covid, just like all airlines.  Major staff layoffs.  Even domestic flights severely curtailed due to border closures between states here in Oz.  Very sad state of affairs.  Last night they announced their 30yr sponsorship of the Australian Wallabies Rugby Union team would cease (though that might be as much about the Wallabies being sh*t recently as it is financial 😉. Maybe they will go and sponsor the NZ AllBlacks!).

 

 

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 

Thought this would make for peace of mind if you use Qantas.

 

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident (this is not quite true anymore, one ran off the runway in Bangkok, but they've had no fatals)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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On 9/23/2020 at 4:15 PM, Thommo said:

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident (this is not quite true anymore, one ran off the runway in Bangkok, but they've had no fatals)

 

BOGUS for over 70 years, which should, should, tell people the worth of the remainder of the viral post's content, but I learned a couple decades ago that in the internet world, be it viral emails or social media, lies are lusted after and truth is tossed out with last week's kitchen garbage.

 

https://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2032492,00.html

 

Quote

When Rain Man was released in 1988, the white kangaroo of the Australian carrier's logo was synonymous with safety. The airline's last fatal accident was in 1951, when a DHA-3 Drover crashed near the coast of Papua New Guinea, killing all seven on board. But that was before the jet age of the late '50s. Since then, Qantas' selling point has always been its reliability as the second oldest airline in the world and its pristine safety record. 

 

See also: http://www.airwaysmuseum.com/Mercy Flights article.htm

 

Quote

Available at ridiculous prices from Commonwealth Disposals, these aircraft had become the backbone of developing air services and other hopeful aviation enterprises in Australia and New Guinea.

 

The exception was the government-funded Northern Territory Aerial Medical Service (a division of the Commonwealth Department of Health), which was about to replace its own well maintained DH-84 Dragons with costly new De Havilland Doves, money apparently being no object.

 

Apart from the De Havilland Dove, there were no suitable new types of aircraft available. the advent of the U.S. light twins still several years away in the future. The Australian designed and built DHA-3 Drover, introduced in 1949, was intended to fill this gap. But as a result of two serious accidents in New Guinea - one of them fatal, involving the Qantas Drover VH-EBQ, and the other the Department of Civil Aviation's VH-DHA, flown by an Examiner of Airman - the Drover's constant speed propellers were found to be faulty, and it had to be refitted with fixed pitch propellers. After this (until seven Drovers were modified with Lycoming 0-360 engines and Hartzell propellers in 1960), the type would only do on three Gipsy Major engines what the old Dragon had always done on two. So for most pilots seeking to earn a very modest crust in the Flying Doctor business, it was a choice of Ansons or Dragons only!

 

Although both the Dragon and the Anson were pre-war designs, and primitive and slow by today's standards, they were extremely reliable, as well as roomy enough for serious aerial ambulance work. Yet the Department of Civil Aviation was only too aware of the inadequacies of these aircraft for round-the-clock operations.

 

Uneasy though it was about medical flights at night and in all weathers without radio navigation aids, DCA was nonetheless in something of a 'bind' as to what it should do about the situation. If the Department simply decreed "no more" - and a patient subsequently died somewhere in the Outback because a Flying Doctor aircraft wasn't allowed to answer an emergency call, there would have been a public scandal. On the other hand, if DCA openly condoned round-the-clock flying by these aircraft and an accident occurred as a result, the media would also have a field day.

 

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