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Qantas mechanic funnies


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This might have been posted before?  Anyhow.....

 

Qantas are in a world of hurt atm due to Covid, just like all airlines.  Major staff layoffs.  Even domestic flights severely curtailed due to border closures between states here in Oz.  Very sad state of affairs.  Last night they announced their 30yr sponsorship of the Australian Wallabies Rugby Union team would cease (though that might be as much about the Wallabies being sh*t recently as it is financial 😉. Maybe they will go and sponsor the NZ AllBlacks!).

 

 

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

 

Thought this would make for peace of mind if you use Qantas.

 

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident (this is not quite true anymore, one ran off the runway in Bangkok, but they've had no fatals)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

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  • 2 weeks later...

Pretty sure Quantas airliners don't have IFF and aren't equipped with target radar. First time I read this list it was presented as being from the USAF and "tyre" was spelled "tire".

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