Either they go or I go....

[HOLMES]

" Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy , you must have somebody to share it "..........Quote TWAIN.

Hoosfoos Best Wishes in whatever you decide..

HOLMES

[ALF18]

A very instructive thread to read through. After 20 years of marriage and counting, I have realized that nothing is clear or simple, and compromise is sometimes the right answer, but sometimes the wrong answer...

Where's the instruction book when you need it?

Guys, let's make one promise to ourselves - none of us will ever reveal to our significant others the truth that SBARC let leak out - that when a woman finds out you make models, she thinks that's incredibly hot, and throws herself at you...

ALF

[Hoosfoos]

Keep in mind that while we were together, I struck a deal with her and stuck to it. But the feeling of her invalidation never left me, since she was either threatened by the fact that I have a hobby that has a mildly addictive side (and I do admit that my stash is excessive, and that I will never be able to build all of them, and that moving will be a pain in the ***, etc). I told her all these things, was upfront, and honest. I also told her that it would never spread to any other kind of compulsive behavior, and that it was never going to get any worse. We would watch episodes of "Hoarders" on A&E and it was evident that my issues were not life-destroying. She is a total non-hobbyist (unless you consider alcohol consumption a hobby), and didn't understand.

We had a huge fight when she wanted to convert the 2nd bedroom in the apartment into a spare bedroom. I also wanted it to be a utility/hobby room. When I resisted moving a work table down into storage, she erupted with rage. After that, I could never feel comfortable about making a kit, researching a kit, or buying a kit. Her invalidation and guilt trips had me in a constant state of anxiety. She would probably felt better when I would "make a f*cking plane", as she said, but once invalidated, I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with the hobby living in her shadow.

I thought that the deal we struck was healthy and fair. I would have stuck to it indefinitely. At the same time, she got a new job and as soon as she had new money, she was spending at a furious pace, expected me to go along with it. The list of things she wanted was extensive and expensive. I am between careers and would have to wait for better income to get her what she wanted. In the meantime, all I wanted was to spend 30 - 80 bucks a month on a kit.

How nice it would have been if she had approached the issue as unique and peculiar, and not a threat. I maintain that I was showing as much flexibility as I could, while she showed me none.

As big as an issue the model kit issue was, there were serious red flags in other areas that doomed the relationship anyway.

[thegoodsgt]

Not sure if it's been mentioned in this thread, but to you single guys, as you meet and date women, look for someone who has her own hobbies and interests. It's a tough sell to spend hours on hours at your workbench if your wife is left alone watching television. It's important that you both have ways to spend constructive time apart without resenting the other person.

[CorsairMan]

Over time, her alcohol consumption and verbal and emotional abuse escalated, and talking to her about it and trying to get her to see my point of view was futile.

I won't try to be so accommodating with the next woman.

Wow - I dodged the same bullet about 6 or 7 years ago. What started out as a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman gradually turned into a trying relationship with a closet alcoholic over 8 months. The man in me initially thought I should stay and help her out but the practical side of me said that life was too short.

Practical side won out and I have never looked back.

Relationships are about clear and honest communication, compromise and understanding. This is something that constantly needs to be worked on. But with the right person, its not so hard.

[Bobski]

My girlfriend teases me about my kits and sometimes questions why I have so many of them, but she knows it's my hobby and it helps me relax, so she doesn't have a problem with it. Sometimes she'll even buy me a kit for my birthday or for Christmas :-)

She has her own hobbies and interests as well, which helps her to understand how important modelling is to me.

[Tomcat27]

It seems to me she is a controlling type. Tell her you will get rid of the models and spend more time in the bars with your friends. If she is putting your relationship on the line for something as small as modeling Dude RUN run now while you got the chance. Now its about the models next thing it will be about all your spendings or your family or friends soon she will be asking for your paycheck and give you a allowance i would not put up with that. Modeling is good honest fun. The way i figure it is this you work hard every day pay your bills then what you do with your money is your business and if it makes you happy she should respect that no questions.

Good luck man.

Andrew

[J.C. Bahr]

Sex is never free.

This should be pinned at the top of every section of this forum lol.

AMEN! (Unless they're a "friend with benefits," but good luck finding one of those!) :)

none of us will ever reveal to our significant others the truth that SBARC let leak out - that when a woman finds out you make models, she thinks that's incredibly hot, and throws herself at you...

What kind of @#%$ are you smoking and why aren't you sharing??!!

In all seriousness, definitely a tough subject. Being happily married now for the past 8 years, my spouse has been very accepting (and often times supportive) of my hobby, but I know she's not crazy about it either. It's a tight-wire act between family time and workbench time. On the other hand, it's gotta be a 50/50 give-and-take compromise on EVERYTHING! From the very beginning, if there's not a fair balance from her side being seen (such as it sounds in this case), it is definitely time to pull the eject handle and get the h*ll outta Dodge before worse things start happening.

Hindsight is 20/20 and unfortunately doesn't just jump up and whomp us in the face when it really does matter ahead of time, so it's hard to try and look for Mr. Hindsight beforehand. Trust your instincts and your guts, they don't lie very often!

[TXCajun]

Men don't change. The woman who demands a man change for her will continue finding things about him that 'need' changing until she's ruined him. So the collection is too big.....sell some of it, but don't change yourself. It'll only build frustration upon frustration that will eventually bring it all down anyways.

A couple needs to love each other for what they are, not what one wants the other to change into. Or, in other words, my job is to build the woman my wife already is, not to change her. Changing her would be all about 'me'; it needs to be all about 'we'. And that, my boy, is the difference between success and failure.

Daryl J., cruising up on 20 years w/ the same woman and I'm scarcely over 40

Brilliant Daryl. I couldn't say it better myself. 22 years of marriage (27 together) and My wife understands that my hobby helps me unwind and express my creative side, since I have a job where creativity is really not needed. I have also found that I can pull out a TV tray and do a bit of modeling while I hang out with her, but there are times when she wants quality time and closeness, and at those times, the modeling goes to the sidelines.

[RKic]

Hi,

Is this hobby a real one for you? If it is, then it's a part of you and if she can't take it. Maybe you can explain it to her.

It's something you like to do. It not that exspensive. It's something you can do at home.

When I met my girl (I've married her since that). I had kind of the same problem until I explained what is was all about.

Building history in minature. She was OK with that.

At first I had a "man-cave/study/workroom" or what else ones calls it, but nowadays I do my kits in the livingroom. That way I'm in the room at the same time as the rest of the family.

My wife is in to sewing and knitting and that stuff, I don't care so much about it, but I always look at her stuff. And she does the same for me. I don't think either of us is really interested in each other's stuff but we are at least polite and civil about it.

If you can't compromise, what can you do then?

That just my advice

Best Regards

Bosse from Sweden

You just described my wife and I.

If you and your partner can't respect one another, and what you do, than call it off.

That said; there is such a thing as too much, and if your model hoarding takes precedence over other things, and money that should be spent on bills and other important things gets spent on models, than yes, there is a problem.

[Hoosfoos]

For those of you who may have missed my follow up to the original post in this thread:

"It was a long time ago that I posted this topic. Here's what happened. I struck a deal with her to keep her happy. I told her that I would only buy one kit a month, and with that one kit, I would get rid of two that I knew I wasn't going to build. She seemed happy with the compromise. I even stuck to even more disciplined terms that i had offered at the time, while we were together. I even bought her flowers and some vintage books as a gift for her at that juncture to show her that I cared for her.

Over time, her alcohol consumption and verbal and emotional abuse escalated, and talking to her about it and trying to get her to see my point of view was futile.

We broke up after a horrendous episode of drunken abuse that she she laid out on me. I was devastated.

In light of what I went through, I was doing all the compromising and being flexible with my issues, while she refused to change any of her behavior for the good of the relationship.

I'm back to buying a kit any time that I want, whatever the price.

I won't try to be so accommodating with the next woman. Keep in mind that while we were together, I struck a deal with her and stuck to it. But the feeling of her invalidation never left me, since she was either threatened by the fact that I have a hobby that has a mildly addictive side (and I do admit that my stash is excessive, and that I will never be able to build all of them, and that moving will be a pain in the ***, etc). I told her all these things, was upfront, and honest. I also told her that it would never spread to any other kind of compulsive behavior, and that it was never going to get any worse. We would watch episodes of "Hoarders" on A&E and it was evident that my issues were not life-destroying. She is a total non-hobbyist (unless you consider alcohol consumption a hobby), and didn't understand.

We had a huge fight when she wanted to convert the 2nd bedroom in the apartment into a spare bedroom. I also wanted it to be a utility/hobby room. When I resisted moving a work table down into storage, she erupted with rage. After that, I could never feel comfortable about making a kit, researching a kit, or buying a kit. Her invalidation and guilt trips had me in a constant state of anxiety. She would probably felt better when I would "make a f*cking plane", as she said, but once invalidated, I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with the hobby living in her shadow.

I thought that the deal we struck was healthy and fair. I would have stuck to it indefinitely. At the same time, she got a new job and as soon as she had new money, she was spending at a furious pace, expected me to go along with it. The list of things she wanted was extensive and expensive. I am between careers and would have to wait for better income to get her what she wanted. In the meantime, all I wanted was to spend 30 - 80 bucks a month on a kit.

How nice it would have been if she had approached the issue as unique and peculiar, and not a threat. I maintain that I was showing as much flexibility as I could, while she showed me none.

As big as an issue the model kit issue was, there were serious red flags in other areas that doomed the relationship anyway."

[Hal Marshman Sr]

Sorry about that Babe, gee, I'll miss you! Hal Sr

[RKic]

Sorry Hoosfoos, I missed your post from this morning.

Sounds like you're much better off without the dumb whore

[Old Blind Dog]

"You're right, honey, guess I'll sell all these kits I've been hoarding and use the money for tobacco products and strippers."

cheers

Old Blind Dog

Edited July 22, 2010 by Old Blind Dog

[zeus60]

"You're right, honey, guess I'll sell all these kits I've been hoarding and use the money for tobacco products and strippers."

cheers

Old Blind Dog

Well, now you've got me thinking....

Stacey

[dmthamade]

[SBARC]

I wonder how many of the young guys have heard of the "bean and the jar" theory?

[George Creed]

I wonder how many of the young guys have heard of the "bean and the jar" theory? :D

I'm an old guy---and I have'nt heard of the "bean and the jar" theory...

[CiscoKid]

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

[SBARC]

I'm an old guy---and I have'nt heard of the "bean and the jar" theory...

The "Bean and the Jar" theory

When you are young and begin dating a girl.....buy yourself a big jar and a bag of beans. Each time you make love to your girlfriend....put one bean in the jar. Keep doing this until you are married. Once you marry your girlfriend......take one bean out of the jar each time you make love to her. No matter how long you stay married to her.....the jar will never become empty. I first heard this when I was 16........the guy that told ot to me was 45 or 50 at the time. He smiled and said to me "I know you don't believe me and I know this doesn't make any sense to you right now......but one day it will make sense to you." At the time I was 16 and I thought he was nuts........now I'm his age and I don't think ol' Bill was as crazy as I thought he was.

[Hoosfoos]

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

I can easily say my ex did 13 of those things. Thanks for the link.

[CiscoKid]

I can easily say my ex did 13 of those things. Thanks for the link.

I stopped counting at around 7 or 8.

[Superjew]

I only buy something if I %100 plan on building it in the NEAR future. This keeps the hoarding down A LOT. IF its some limited edition or rare, Id rather pay the higher price down the road, than store it for years on end.

I dont even care to keep built models around the house.

Edited July 23, 2010 by Superjew